Hundreds of Fingers Broken, Palms Bruised after Snapping Epidemic Strikes Robert Frost Library


Amherst, MA – Positive energy turned deadly on Friday as hundreds of Amherst students and faculty members were rushed to Pioneer Valley’s hospitals and clinics to undergo treatment for a wave of excessive snapping that struck the Robert Frost Library.

Authorities say the outbreak began at 4:27 PM, when sophomore Alejandra Acosta spoke about the lived experience of those marginalized due to race and gender during a protest sit-in. A few supportive students began snapping, and then, the horror began.

“The point was good. Almost too good,” Regina Choi recalled in a quavering voice.

Choi, a junior SWAGS major and one of the few attendees of “Amherst Uprising” who emerged physically unscathed, could not recall the details without shaking uncontrollably.

“But then the snaps started,” she continued, gazing around the room as if the mere mention of the scene would return the horrors to life. “First one or two, then everybody was doing it. It was so good that… that…”

Regina paused for a moment to collect her thoughts.

“They just couldn’t stop.”

The snaps echoed through Frost and across campus, and sources state that reports of excessive positive vibes were issued from campuses as far away as Mount Holyoke and Smith.

“I was really enjoying the energy of the room when I realized something was wrong,” recounted visiting professor Jacob Filmeister. “Then it hit me: it wasn’t just their fingers that were snapping; their bones were too.”

Efforts at containment were initially unsuccessful, as doctors who treated the wounded did their jobs so well that patients began snapping to show approval, destroying their splints and casts.

Luckily, the day was saved by unsuspecting senior squash player Kenneth Bronson, who attended the sit-in without knowing he would be the savior of thousands.

“Everybody immediately stopped after they heard me,” the hero stated, smiling with pride. “I just said, ‘I don’t see why black people are so caught up with race when one of them’s in the white house.’ Absolutely nobody was snapping after that.”

“It became dead silent,” he beamed with satisfaction.

Dean Epstein is planning to issue a statement that asks students to use alternate forms of approval in hopes that it will prevent the chances of an event like this happening in the future. To prevent injury due to excess snaps, students will be required to shout “I approve of this!” as a substitute, or shoot their guns in the air.

The statement concluded: “Students without guns will have one provided.”