Parents Invite One-Night Stand to Brunch


Tip-toeing through a Stone common room after a night of passionate, sweaty making out in the socials and 4 whole minutes of mediocre sex, Anna Carson ’18 encountered her conquest’s parents, engaged in excruciating smalltalk, and received an immediate invitation to brunch.

“We’re so glad Brian has found someone!” said Mindy Blake, mom and class of ’84. Though grateful for the reminder of his name, Carson politely declined the invitation, citing personal reasons under her breath.

“Nonsense!” said Ryan Blake, dad and generous 1821 Society member. “Brunch res is at 10!”

Unable to refuse without increasingly feeling awkward, the disheveled sophomore accepted the mandatory invitation.

“Welcome to the Family,” the mother told Carson, still in her high heels and crop-top, in between bites of Eggs Benedict. “We hope our little Brian isn’t giving you too much trouble,” she said with a wink to the girl who, only hours before, was embroiled in a drunken, fumbling “love”-making session with her son.

“If you’re anything like I was, you’re going to need a hangover cure,” Mr. Blake remarked as he passed the salt to Carson, who spent a few minutes alone in sheets that smelled faintly of sweat while Brian retrieved a condom from the dorm common room. “Can we get some OJ?” he asked the waiter.

Despite his mom’s numerous reminders of what a sweet girl Anna was, and an invitation to visit the family during Thanksgiving break, Brian and Anna never made eye contact again.