Amherst, MA – In response to mounting social tensions and general discontent, the Amherst administration, in conjunction with Hart Research Associates and BuzzFeed, released a campus-wide student survey to gather information about campus attitudes and what kind of cheese best embodies the spirit of the student body. The school hopes to get the pulse of campus with students’ opinions on Lord Jeff, the athlete v. non-athlete divide, and what kind of delicious dairy product your personality matches the most.
“We’ve always felt the best way to improve student life was to really hone in what they’re feeling,” remarked Chief Student Affairs Officer Suzanne Coffey. “A big part of that is what kind of coagulated milk protein you are.”
Some critics have pointed out that this survey may not contribute to campus improvement at all, but would rather deepen the Gouda, non-Gouda divide.
“This divide is like a bacterium, altering the composition of the student body until it is unrecognizable,” said Parmesan Jacob Franklin. “There are Pepper Jacks on campus who arrive with a friend group already built in, leaving underprivileged students like me out to fester in loneliness.”