AMHERST, MA- Following last years Chainsmokers performance, the Campus Activities Board has determined that the sole requirement for a successful Spring Concert is the presence of vigorous jumping, and has announced that this year’s Spring Concert will just be consistent, pounding bass, accompanied by lights.
“Synchronized, rhythmic jumping is what we need to facilitate a sense of unity among students,” posits social psychologist and expert on close relationships Catherine Sanderson. “And the easiest way to promote this jumping is through hours of repetitive beats and sweet, twisty lasers.”
Initially, the NARP population expressed concern about their ability to deal with the physical strain of the event, but strength training coach Chris Boyko has committed himself to creating a fitness program that will prepare non-athletes for the strenuous night of jumping.
The Muck-Rake traveled to the weight room to see what Boyko has planned for the extensive training program. “We’re gonna focus on the calves, of course, and target muscle groups that could increase leaping efficiency ten-fold at least,” said Boyko as he completed a simultaneous push/pull-up. “But mostly I want to prevent injury; fist-pumping is the number one cause of shoulder strain among College aged NARPS, and its totally preventable.”
The budget committee approved of the decision as well, and they accepted any and all funding requests to celebrate. “We could have gotten some washed up rapper or pop-star, but for half the price we have a giant metronome, and at least three strobe lights,” said treasurer and huge fan of EDM Paul Gramieri ’17.