Muck-Rake Investigates: Val Soap Dispenser: Fact, or Fiction?


VALENTINE HALL, Amherst, Ma – With flu season around the corner, The Muck-Rake felt obligated to analyze Amherst’s outbreak prevention policies. Considering the coup currently dominating the Health Center, it seems that the first line of defense is now the lone soap dispenser located by the tray drop-off in Val.

Our investigators teamed up with the Psychology department to observe student interaction with this solitary bacterial barricade. The findings determine that the medical device in question is both inefficient for cafeteria etiquette and damaging to the emotional stability of students. After highlighting the machine’s inconsistencies, we extrapolated results that will surely force the administration to set up a committee to oversee the committee that currently deals with Student Health Services.

Our findings can be found below:


Student subjects are presented with a randomized result of (a) liquid soap, (b) foam soap, (c) gooey in-between, or (d) no soap at all.


62% of subjects will try a second time if they receive result (d).

48% of subjects will verbally complain when they receive results (a), (c), or (d).

100% of subjects will both slow down student traffic exiting the tray drop-off line and awkwardly open doors with elbows due to moist hands.