36% of Amherst Students Don’t Need Help Finding Friends, Okay Mom?!

social clubs and mom

The student body has spoken: 64% of the students support a social club trial run, and 36% of Amherst students don’t need help finding friends, so can you please get off my back about it, Mom?

After several postponed dates, the vote has finally come in, and it seems that a substantial majority of the school wants social clubs, meaning there will be plenty of social events that you don’t have to call me about every Saturday night, Mom.

In order to form a club, the initiative will require 1-5 students to submit a proposal to SCOC (Social Club Oversight Committee) for approval, which is super lame. Do you want me to have lame friends, Mom? Do you?

The social clubs will have funding that will enable them to purchase what they need for weekly meetings, so you don’t have to keep buying me Vodka and Facebook messaging my friends to tell them keep me company; I’m not that lonely, alright?

Just because I would rather stay in my room playing League of Legends rather than go to a social club’s yearly school-wide event doesn’t mean that I’m not taking full advantage of my college years, so stop asking about “that nice girl” you met when you visited me for parents weekend. We were only neighbors.

Neighbors, Mom.

The social clubs are being offered as a new, safer alternative to the fraternities that used to dominate social life when you and Dad met, so can you please stop sending photos of you doing keg-stands in the 80’s with “This is what you’re missing” written under them?

This is only going to be a trial for one semester, so if it doesn’t work out, everything will go back to normal. And if normal for me is chilling in my room with the second season ofHouse of Cards, so be it. Your grandkids can wait.

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