MUNICH, Germany – This year, all of the people antithetical to your very existence had a fantastic time during their annual pilgrimage to Oktoberfest, a special Muck-Rake investigation confirmed Monday.
Although you made the decision to not study abroad during your time at Amherst, possibly because you aren’t a “chill enough dude”, the people that haunt your every childhood memory did, as sources such as Facebook, Twitter, and personal travel blogs have verified. Initial reports indicate their authenticity and genuine appreciation for German culture is rivaled only by the nostalgia of recalling your tightey-whiteys pulled above your belt-line.
Leading experts claim Becca is looking just as pretty in her braids and traditional Bavarian dress as when she asked you to the Sadie Hawkins dance, then later revealed she only did it as a dare. They’ve also discovered that even though she convinced you to have a party at your house, then had the football team raid your parent’s liquor cabinet, you still feel those familiar butterflies, which studies confirm makes you a “total bitch”.
Information regarding the rapidly rising like-count of a picture of Steve drunkenly eating a pretzel continues to come in, and with it, memories of the time at your birthday party when Steve held you down while his brother farted on your face.
“I had a dope time downing steins and getting cheered on,” wrote Mark in a comment on Becca’s album titled “Fuckin’ the world for 72 hours”; a reference to a Kendrick Lamar lyric. “I’m all about having a good time,” he continued, “but I think the two months I kept [you] chained to the radiator in my basement feeding [you] nothing but cheese dip lunchables were some of the best times of my life.”
As of press time, they could not be reached for comment, but their most recent status updates indicate they all met up in a pub to laugh about how even after they stuffed you in Kevin’s locker, you still tried to get their approval.