10 Reasons Why Going Trayless is Just Way Too Hard!


  1. I like variety.

It’s just so hard having so many food options available at my fingertips at every meal. How can one reasonably expect an Amherst student to regularly choose between pizza, grilled chicken, pasta, salad and burgers? Don’t be ridiculous. I’m getting them all, and I can’t fit my five courses all on one plate!

  1. Hydration is essential.

Did you know you’re supposed to drink at least eight glasses of blue Powerade and eight glasses of chocolate milk at every meal? That’s right- drinking all of that healthy fluid becomes impossible without carrying your cups on a tray. Furthermore, a Val tray provides crucial hydration for your skin. The warm, moist surface provides a pleasing sensation and can prevent your hands from cracking in the dry Amherst climate.

  1. None of my friends are doing it. 

Amherst is a small school, and Val is even smaller. Consequently, conforming to your peers is the only way to survive this dog-eat-dog world. I’m not about to be that loner without a tray who doesn’t even go here.

  1. I attract more attention when I drop my tray. 

Not many people make eye-contact with me as I walk around campus because of my generally bland, unnoticeable demeanor. As a result, dropping my tray in Val is the only time I can gain a fleeting moment of recognition from my peers. And let me tell you, dropping a lone cereal bowl or glass of water appears less accidental and just doesn’t make the same impression. I really need the tricky balance of a tray to complete my noisy act.

  1. Trays are a tradition as old as Lord Jeff himself.

Lord Jeffrey Amherst surely didn’t transport his smallpox blankets without the help of some sort of carrying vessel. I refuse to disgrace the namesake of my college. Amherst students need a little bit more school spirit, in my opinion, and following Lord Jeff’s example of using a tray is a great way to start.

  1. I have no other way to shield myself from projectiles.

What if a missile came flying toward my head in the middle of 5 o’clock dinner? Without a tray I am completely vulnerable. A tray is a great defense mechanism, and I like to come prepared to everything. Better safe than sorry.

  1. I don’t have legs.

So you expect me to drag myself across the backroom of Val, just to get a piece of cake? How dare you. I don’t need this humiliation.

  1. I also don’t have arms.

Even if I wanted to drag myself across Val to get cake, I can’t. It’s literally impossible. Someone get me a fucking tray, which I can at least carry around in my mouth.

  1. Trays are the only things I feel close to in this world.

To be honest, I don’t really like my friends. Trays, on the other hand, keep me company and understand my sorrows.

  1. I hate the environment.

I would really like to see the Earth turn into a waterless, cesspool of toxic waste that is unsuitable for all forms of life, except for a few ancient species of cyanobacteria. I simply cannot sacrifice my beliefs just to go trayless.