Amherst “Totally Fine” With Cancellation, Needed to Catch up on Gossip Girl Anyway


Amherst, MA – After being stood up by two prominent world figures, Amherst College decided that the best thing for it right now would be to take a night for itself, grab a pint of Ben and Jerry’s and catch up on the third season of Gossip Girl. 

“I’m not mad, just disappointed,” the college said, moments after reading His Holiness The Dalai Lama’s e-mail, which had the phrase “It’s not you, it’s me” peppered throughout. “I mean, he did it through e-mail. Gorbachev did the same thing. Do they not have the balls to do it in person? Why do they never come? Is there something wrong with me? Is my student body not appealing anymore? Are my academics not challenging enough? What is it?”

Without immediate answers to it’s questions of why both Gorbachev and His Holiness the Dalai Lama don’t seem to like it, Amherst could only take solace in the rich pleasures of Cherry Garcia and the tumultuous relationship of Dan and Serena.

“It’s totally fine,” Amherst told itself, over and over again. “I don’t need these sickly old men anyway. I’m sure Sotomayor would be down to watch Netflix and Chill.”