Study: Opening and Closing Mouth Now More Popular Than Actual Greetings

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Amherst, MA – Moving one’s lips soundlessly has surpassed vocalized greetings in popularity on Amherst College’s campus, one study has found. This comes as no surprise to Malcolm Joyce, a sophomore majoring in Anthropology, who has been studying this phenomenon for over two weeks. “As the orientation week wanes, people become naturally less enthusiastic about maintaining their numerous and deteriorating relationships,” he said. “Hugs and fistbumps become curt ‘Hey’s or “Sups”, and eventually subvocalized grunting.” But it seems that even grunting —  used in tribal times to intimidate rivals after the same meal, and is more often heard today on the way to Val — has lost its spark, while nervously exhaling while pretending to yawn is on the rise. When approached for comment, one faithful practitioner of this new trend, junior Alexandra Hamill, upturned the corners of her mouth slightly, avoided eye contact and quickened her pace.

“…”, she added with a strained smile.

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