Trailblazing First-Years Discover Exotic 2nd Val Line

Amherst, MA – In excited, low whispers, a small group of first-years announced the discovery of a new, efficient, and heretofore unknown method of Val food retrieval: the “second line”.  Espousing the speed and discretion of their newfound lunchtime queue, freshman Mitch Expliduccio stated: “The staid students of Amherst have too long been held back by the snail-like lines of days of yore. ‘No more!’ we say. A new path has been forged, between the cereal and the lighter side, a place no first-year ever dared to tread during orientation week.” He went on to say that this new found “second line” will shorten waits, meaning forced smalltalk with vague acquaintances will be cut down by as much as 50 percent. The unveiling of the alternate food distribution source was ill-received among upperclassmen, like Laura Jiffimons, who will now be forced to take advantage of her advanced Val techniques to get food quickly, such as the panini press or the gluten-free fridge. Meanwhile, the enterprising first-years are hoping to unearth more Val secrets, but they have yet to determine if it is possible to obtain lunch at any time besides twelve-o-clock.

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