Good Afternoon,

Thank you for compliance with our earlier notice to reduce power; unfortunately we have received further notice regarding excess campus activity, and must ask students to curtail their usage further.

In addition to the power notice, we have received news that twelve Sesame Wing distribution trucks along the I-91 corridor have coincidentally broken down, placing a strain on food availability throughout the Five-College area. Dining Services has requested that students refrain from coming to Valentine Hall for dinner during this period.

Furthermore, due to a shortage of academic motivation across the country, the Student Activities committee has requested that students limit studying to 30 minutes per night for the remainder of the semester to allow those at less prestigious institutions to use their fair share of studying time.

Moreover, in addition to the previous notices, we have also received word from the President’s office explaining that an urgent, nationwide shortage of U.S. Supreme Court Justices will require students to reduce their usage of Justice Sotomayor by at least 50% in Johnson Chapel later in the evening.

Please share this important notice with others in your building or dorm. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to accost the nearest faculty member.

Many thanks for your cooperation.

The Amherst Muck-Rake