According to Katie Fretwell ’81, Amherst’s hype-woman, Amherst received 9,564 applicants for the Class of 2019. Of that pool—large enough to swim in a la Scrooge McDuck—1,239 students were admitted and 447 enrolled.
That means that less than 13 percent of first-year applicants were offered admission, which means that 87 percent of applicants will have to settle for the middle class.
What follows are some fun facts about the latest batch of first-year and transfer students at Amherst.
- About half of our new students have ethnic origins you’ll be afraid to ask about in Val.
- 45 percent of the applicants are white, and 55 percent of the applicants will be featured on the Amherst Webpage.
- We have one student from the center of the earth, an infinite increase from last year!
- They come from all 49 states. Yes that’s right. Forty-Nine. Nobody wants you, North Dakota.
- 34 percent are old money, and another 20 percent are young upstarts.
- Despite receiving 447 new students, none of them can heal the rift in my heart that Becky left.
- 100 percent of the students have poor decision making skills.
- There are 57 students who have self-identified as “diverse as fuck”.
- They range in age from “too young to be in the socials” to “too old to be in the socials”.
- They have an average SAT score of “just enough to be considered by Yale, but not enough to get in”.
- 55 percent intend to be consultants or work on Wall street; 45 percent will accidentally become consultants or work on Wall street.
- At least 20 had no idea what Amherst was until they received their acceptance letter.
- There are at least 40 students that are pre-disposed to depression, so Amherst won’t have to do as much.
- There are 200 students that you will know but not greet.
- There is 1 spooky student from beyond the grave!
- There are 200 students that you will greet but not know.
- 2 of them are registered Republicans that snuck in somehow.
- 4 students answer my calls, unlike Becky.
- There are 80 prospective pre-med students, and 20 will finish that way.
- 3 of the students thought they were applying to UMASS Amherst.
With such an impressive list of students, there will be at least someone who will be willing to love me, Becky. I don’t need you.