AMHERST, Ma. – The Amherst College Student Health Educators (SHEs) have announced their latest workshop, “Hot, Long-awaited, and Flavorless: Valentine Sex Toys.” The workshop, which only recently received approval to leave the trial stage, aims to serve the lower-income population of Amherst, who have in the past struggled to gather the necessary supplies for the SHEs’ original sex toy workshop.
The new sex toys make use of materials ranging from bagels to social mugs to a modification of a Val classic, the Apple Fork. The workshop itself will highlight uses of Val supplies to promote safe sex; notable additions include panini paper dental dams and hummus spermicide. BDSM practitioners will also learn tips for pleasing, or horrifying, their partners through Noodle Bar Intimidation.
Valentine staff have denounced the move, citing that stolen Val silverware and dishes have already cost the dining hall more than $50,000 this year alone. Their official complaint came in the form of a passive aggressive note bundled with candy placed in students’ mailboxes, which announced, “Your foreplay will cost Val over a hundred grand, money that could be better spent on sushi, fruit or a flat-screen for our break-room.”
Students have been mostly unsympathetic to Val’s complaints. Many have argued that offering better food would remedy the problem, as most end up overindulging their sexual appetite to satisfy their physical hunger
“I’d much rather have popped cherries than fresh berries!” said likely virgin Henry Thurst ’17 while stocking up on pineapple slices and disposable plastic spoons.
The SHEs’ new course is also struggling to gain traction with more ecological and health-minded students. Concerns over BPA presence in Val plastics have left some students worried for their sex health.
“All of our toys are completely compostable and safe for the environment,” said junior SHE Alicia Tarry ’16. “Likewise, fear of unnatural toxins can be a great motivator for safe sex— the mystery really sets the mood for the night. And remember, you can always get yourself tested for post-coital mercury poisoning in the Health Center!”