Report: Thesis Writer Now More Caffeine Than Human


MERRILL SCIENCE CENTER, Amherst, MA — “The caffeine molecules have overtaken the human ones,” observed an astounded Assistant Professor of Biology Ethan Graf while examining the latest urine sample.

The Amherst professor is at the forefront of studying what he believes might be the first chemical-hybrid person.

“The DNA has practically spliced together. At this rate, we can expect him to be pissing about once every few minutes. Jittery as all get out. Oh and sleep? His sleeping days are long over. That’s not to say he won’t be tired and feel like shit, but this guy,” Professor Graf said, tapping a test tube of yellow liquid, “he’s not going to bed any time soon.”

The medical breakthrough comes despite the fact that the actual subject remains at large, though the samples have pinpointed his location somewhere around C-level of Frost Library.

“We didn’t even have to gather the urine samples—they’re just pissing and shitting everywhere. Definitely a thesis writer, probably ’cause that floor doesn’t have a bathroom. Unfortunate…but whoever it is,” Graf concluded, “I expect their Zotero is looking really impressive right now.”