Contributing writer Alicia Van Sant
By the time the curtains in Kirby theater rose to reveal senior Alex Ostering, the undressing sequence had already finished. Sitting, legs spread in front of the audience, Alex reached purposefully towards a nearby oil drum of Vaseline (one of 5 arranged on the stage) and began to slather up. As the lubricant was slapped rhythmically onto his thighs and toes, a 5 piece acoustic folk band appeared at stage right and began to play an original song entitled “Slip and Fall (Inside Me).” After the third banjo solo, the masturbation began in earnest. As the protagonist stared into the faces of the cringing audience members, some of them family members, Ostering masturbated furiously. After 20 minutes of merciless skin polishing, the seasoned performer launched into an uptempo ass slapping-number entitled “Ass Slap.” By this point, everybody in the audience had been brought to tears—each for a different reason.
As the curtains fell amidst a chorus of orgasmic screams, audience members were certain that this thesis deserved one thing: Summa Cum Laude.