Amherst, MA — The “Amherst Spirit Scavenger Hunt,” touted as one of the major initiatives of AAS President Tomi Williams, is being met with increased skepticism and widespread reluctance as students across campus scramble to fulfill its demands.
“It seemed like a pretty nice idea at first,” reported scavenger hunt-participant and sophomore field hockey player Cheryl Schrichte ’17. “I think we really do need more events that mobilize the Amherst student body.”
Cheryl, among others, has found that it has not been so easy to comply.
“It’s kinda fun, actually. You just take a selfie at three events from each of the four categories: club events, student performances, sports games, and efforts to make better and more prosperous the great nation of Amherst,” explained fellow participant Brian Gonzalez ’16. “So far I’ve sat with the Russian table, went to a thesis theater performance, watched a men’s rugby game, and participated in an choreographed card stunt at a rally in honor of our leader, Tomi.”
“Stuff every Amherst college student should be doing, really,” Gonzalez paused for a moment, before adding, “And you get a free piece of Amherst gear for doing it, or entered into a raffle for an Ipad mini.”
“I’m happy to attend so many great events!” Schrichte ‘17 continued. “I’m just confused by some of these in the last category: ‘Sacrifice the Mascot of a NESCAC Rival Upon the Altar of Johnson Chapel’? Seems a little extreme. But then again, I already went to that philosophy lecture—which, unlike my slaughter of that purple cow, was neither quick nor painless!”
Still, some remained adamant that they would be finishing the spirit activity, regardless of the cost.
“It’s a hunt,” reported Matthias ‘Matt’ Stork ‘18. “It’s like, what did you expect? Not to ‘Bring Me the Skulls of Three Bowdoin Professors’? This is about school spirit, adding to the iron throne of our president Tomi Williams, and the opportunity to win an Ipad mini.”
At press time, President Williams’s cabinet was reportedly crafting a response to the mounting criticism, including the promise to give everyone a free piece of Amherst gear in return for unflinching fealty to the Williams regime and “for liking the Scavenger Hunt Facebook page, http://www.facebook.com/2015AmherstSpiritScavengerHunt/!”