Report: Everything Is Good and Perfect

Pictured: Muck-Rake Writers and Editors, Who Are Actually Very Diverse and Representative of the Campus as a Whole

Pictured: Muck-Rake Writers and Editors, Who Are Actually Very Diverse and Representative of the Campus as a Whole

MUCK-RAKE CENTER, Keefe Campus Center, Amherst, MA — Muck-Rake writers have reportedly been scrambling for new topics to satirize in the wake of sweeping changes to the college, making it all-around good and generally perfect.

“The Lord Jeff talk fixed that whole thing. And on the Day of Dialogue, we talked away racism. Now we’re talking about the Day of Dialogue, so that’s not an issue anymore. The Trustees talked about Divestment, finally. Yea, basically everything’s fixed.”

The writers and editors of the long-running Amherst satire publication were on the brink of depression at the news of their own obsolescence, until they recalled the new, 24-hour counseling center hotline.

At presstime, a lone, pacing writer could be found muttering to himself, “Bathrooms. It’s gotta—something about the Merrill toilets.”

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