Hollywood, CA — In what has been dubbed a dark horse win, AC Voice writer Jerald Attleburg ’17 has been awarded the 2015 Academy Award for Best Actor for his performance as a woman of color, online.
The Academy released an official statement on Monday, explaining why Attleburg beat out nominees such as Michael Keaton and Bradley Cooper saying, “Attleburg was clearly the best actor this year. His harrowing depiction of a minority female moved us all. Only a soon-to-be-declared SWAGS/BLST double-major such as himself could truly enlighten us on issues such as racism and sexism in modern America.”
Attleburg used his speech time to recognize his success as well as continue his fight for oppressed minorities.
“I’d like to thank myself for standing up for what is right. I give thanks to every woman who ever gave birth to a man who would later explain her social problems to her, to every communist non-taxpayer, to every minority whose back I stand upon in order to receive recognition. It’s our time to end the athlete-nonathlete wage gap!”
After receiving the Oscar, Attleburg posted to the AC Voice a 900-word blog post commenting on how trophy’s male form “victimizes female actors” and “pushes a pro-gold skinned agenda.”
In the blog post, he promised that his next performance will be far more subtle than his 2015 showing.
“I will be reprising an older role, the victim of a white savior complex, which affects hundreds of liberal arts students every year.”