Amherst, MA—In the wake of winter storm Juno, the Amherst Grounds Department has announced a new policy concerning the construction of all snowmen on campus.
Following complaints that the average Amherst snowman was of a white and predominantly male background, the Grounds Department released a new, 30-page handbook updating the guidelines for snowmen on campus, including the milestone requirement that, for every white snowman constructed, three snowmen of color or mixed ethnicity must be erected.
“The campus community is encouraged to strive for an equal snowman-to-snowwoman ratio,” said Mr. Corry Colonna, Associate Director for Residential Life. “Snowpeople within a ten foot radius of another snowperson must also bear a different vegetable or fruit nose from a list of approved foodstuffs. These foodstuffs will include zucchini, eggplant and Jamaican Jerk Chicken.”
A proportionally representative number of cultural traditions, gender identity and political views are to be displayed through the attire worn by snowpersons.
“I’m very excited,” said Robert Rafeal ’17. “It will be great to see body positivity in our snowpeople. Not everyone is born with the ideal body type of three spheres and a carrot nose. Seeing those features in snowpeople sets unreal expectations.”
The policy will be enforced by a dedicated “Snow-patrol,” who should be notified at least 3 hours in advance of snowman construction. Snowpersons will be rigorously investigated to verify that their sexualities and religious practices both match their paperwork and avoid stereotypes. Those who fail to comply with the updated standards will be melted down into slush and thrown into the Val ice machine.
“We boast an incredibly diverse student body, and we don’t believe that the current selection of snow-based individuals accurately represent it,” remarked President Carolyn “Biddy” Martin. “With our new rulebook, we expect to see a greater variety of ethnic representation.”
When asked about the future of snow angels, President Martin was less certain.
“We are sensitive to concerns about religious imagery in public places, but we also feel that students should be able to celebrate their faith by diving into the snow and furiously swinging their limbs back and forth. Similarly, Menorahs, Festivus Poles, and sacred depictions of Hannah Arendt—we want them all in the snow.”