“Please could you tell me, have you seen a Northface?
I’ve looked up and down and all over the place.
I attended the party in Crossett last night;
When I woke up without it I had quite a fright.”
“Well where was it placed? When was it last worn?
If these are not known, its loss you must mourn.
You need it if you want to survive this December.
For this reason, please, I implore you, remember.”
“The whole night is hazy, my headache is splitting.
I’ll take an Advil so the room will stop spinning.
Please fetch me some water to drink from the faucet.
Ahh that hits the spot. Here’s what happened at Crossett.
The athletes in Crossett were throwing a party
With camaraderie and booze and singing quite hearty,
But people from UMASS heard it might be fun
To crash into Crossett and our stairs overrun.
‘They love to be rowdy and revel and fight’,
Said the athletes who planned this most ambitious night.
‘They ruined it last year; they’ll do it again.
They’ll make our poor party a one out of ten.’
‘But why do they come?’ I wondered aloud.
I now have a theory, of which I’m quite proud.
Their alcohol policy’s now very strict;
They come here to avoid Subbaswamy’s edict.
Staring out from their campus, dry as a bone,
They knew it’d be awkward to come here alone.
From Facebook to Twitter and back went the news:
At Amherst you practically swim in the booze.
They put on their Ugliest Christmassy sweaters,
And don’t forget hats; the more matching the better.
With leggings all wrapped up in stripes red and green,
They planned to enliven Amherst’s party scene.
But some of them plotted nefarious plans:
They gathered around, then their evil began.
“When Crossett’s doors open at half past eleven,
We’ll find ourselves smack-dab in jacket thief heaven.
To the tune of Swift, Trainor, Grande and Shmurda
We’ll take and we’ll rage ‘til they scream bloody murder!
When we get inside, oh! The things we will do!
We’ll take Northface and Southpole! Patagonia too!
The doors will stay open, the alarms will start ringing
We’ll stand in the way, And the cans we’ll start flinging!
We’ll throw things at windows and climb on the walls
Our shouting will echo through Amherst’s dull halls!”
The athletes got wind of this sinister plot
It happened last year; they had not forgot.
They tried to prevent word from spreading too far,
But it was posted on Facebook; these things always are.
They came here on car, bike, and every which way,
But by far the most popular was PVTA
They packed in the buses from driver to rear:
The sound of their rumbling shook Amherst with fear.
They spilled onto campus like froth from a stein,
And took it as quickly as the Reich did the Rhine.
They swarmed onto campus: a great plague of locusts.”
“And what happened then? Come on, you must focus!”
“I’ll finish the story; don’t rush me dear friend.
Like all things this fable must come to an end.
The alarms were set off, the police gathered round;
They discussed what to do when they heard klaxons sound.
‘Always have we waited and longed for this day
To show Biddy Martin we deserve better pay.
All this shouting and nonsense we must stop at once
We’ll get rid of these squealing intolerable runts.’
A small voice spoke out, I like to imagine.
“Must we ruin their party in such ruthless fashion?”
They considered a while, rapt in brief contemplation
But then the chief spoke to end all rumination.
“First of all Jim, no-one’s talking to you.
Secondly Jim, this is why we wear blue.
There’re no other outlets to exercise power;
Don’t do this now Jim, not in our finest hour.”
They sent out an email and rushed to the Quad,
Got a glimpse of the crowd and exclaimed “Oh My God!”
To be heard above hubbub and din they did shout
“Students of UMASS go home, GET OUT!”
The socials were emptied, the Powerhouse filled;
The event was no more: Crossett Christmas was killed.
But who bore the blade and the brunt of the blame?
Were the athletes playing a dangerous game,
When they tried their darndest to earn campus-wide fame?
The UMASS kids just wanted fun; so they claim,
Their only crime: thinking their campus was lame,
‘Til rabble rousers arrived to kindled the flame.
Or maybe the cops, though just doing their job,
Didn’t need to disperse the still-massive mob.
All I know’s that they made an intolerable racket,
And after all this, alas, still no jacket!
I think I saw some UMASS girl wearing it then.
Or maybe a guy, perhaps it could be a ‘Ben’.”
“Ben or some girl, two fantastic clues,
with your faulty recall I’m surprised you have shoes.
Lets look around for it; forget about Crossett.
Just where might it be? Have you checked your closet?”
“Of course I have checked it! Are you calling me dumb?
Or did I? Remember, my mind is still numb.
Let’s look inside now, and, oh! Just my luck!
It was here all along!”
“Of course, you dumb fuck.”