Ask the UMass Freshman Wearing a Backpack Who Just Walked Into Your Party

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Dear UMass Freshman Wearing a Backpack Who Just Walked Into My Party,

I’m really not sure how to feel about Social Clubs. On the one hand, I think social life at this school could definitely be better, and I’m all for any attempt to improve it, especially by students. On the other hand, I’m a little afraid Social Clubs could deepen social divides on this campus. What do you think?

Confused in Crossett

Dear Confused,

Uh, I’m not really sure what that means dude. Do I what, do I go here? Yeah, yeah I do. I live in, uh, Westington. Yo you mind if I get a beer?


Dear UMass Freshman Wearing a Backpack Who Just Walked Into My Party,

With finals coming up, I’m afraid I won’t be able to spend as much time with my boyfriend as I want to before he goes abroad in the spring. Do you have any tips for balancing life and schoolwork during finals week?

Stumped in Stone

Dear Stumped,

My boy Jack tried to strangle a bouncer last night and got us all banned from McMurph’s. What a jerkoff, right? Kid can’t handle his booze. Hey, so do y’all throw parties like this every week?


Dear UMass Freshman Wearing a Backpack Who Just Walked Into My Party,

My suitemate’s gotten drunk almost every night since his girlfriend broke up with him two weeks ago. I’m really worried about him, but I’m also afraid of overstepping my boundaries if I try to get him to stop. What should I do?

Perturbed in Pond

Dear Perturbed,

Back off bro, I didn’t steal anything from your lame-ass unlocked room. I brought this laptop here with me. And these cleats. And this Amherst College parking pass. So stop accusing me of shit. Actually, you know what, fuck it, fine. I’ll leave. Fuck Amherst. Y’all are boring anyway. I’m keeping the laptop.

The UMass Freshman Wearing a Backpack Who Just Walked Into Your Party is a regular contributor to the Amherst Muck-Rake. His column appears on alternate Fridays.

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