Report: Only Like, 3—Tops—Places in Library Good for Masturbating

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Contributing writer Samuel J. Carodine writing on behalf of the Muck-Rake Investigative Team.

FROST LIBRARY, Amherst, MA — It’s finals season, everybody, and people keep coming up to me and asking “Sam, how do you manage your stress and stay so cool while pulling an all-nighter?” And lemme tell ya: it ain’t easy. There are only like—at most—three good places to diddle your skittles in the Robert Frost Library. Here they are for your enjoyment.

3) Map Room

I think most people will agree with me when I say that it’s nearly impossible to achieve even a half-chub without at least 3 topographical sources in your immediate vicinity. Ruth really knew what she was doing when donated money towards this room—owe you big time, Ruthie!

2) B-Level Men’s Bathroom
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My friends would kill me if they knew I was giving away this little gem—but, dear reader, I couldn’t resist sharing this prime location. Please, don’t forget to sign the guestbook!

1) Frost Cafe

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Two words: maximum effect.

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