After months of speculation, Val officially decided Tuesday that it will introduce a one-plate policy to combat overeating and overcrowded lines during the busiest of cuisine dinners, sources within the Dining Services Committee confirmed.
“The one-plate policy will promote harmony and orderliness,” said Charlie Thompson, Director of Dining Services. “The society of Amherst endorses these virtues.”
Many students have expressed support for the move. “Given the way our eating habits can affect the environment, [restricting students to one plate of food] ensures sustainability,” noted Francisco Castilla ’18. “And the lines are way too fucking long,” he added.
Still, some students voiced serious concerns about the decision. “I don’t trust the administration to run this system fairly,” said Dennis Theoronite ’16. “What if Val starts giving special ‘two-plate’ coupons, or preferential line treatment, in exchange for bribes?”
Nevertheless, some students have quickly learned to maximize the one-plate policy to full effect. “I used to get one plate of veggies and one plate of meat,” explained varsity Track member Charles Mezey ’16. “But now that I can only have one plate, I gotta go with just one plate of the sesame chicken wings. I need something robust for support through the night, when I may grow hungry and tired.”
Thompson was quick to deflect criticism of the new strategy. “The Dining Services Committee has only the interests of the students at heart,” he explained to press. “It is for this reason that there is no need for rival dining committees.”