New Student Life Initiative: Social Clubs


AMHERST, Ma. – The administration has unveiled their plan to introduce social clubs, a tool meant to return to students their power to form small, exclusive groups.

“Social cups are a way for students to indicate their willingness to meet others,” said Provost Peter Uvin. “But what if you don’t want to meet others? Well, now we’ve got just the thing for you.”

“Clubs will come in many different forms,” said Chief Student Affairs Officer Suzanne Coffey. ” Your club will depend on your preferred method of attack,” she continued. “We’ll have small cudgels, old police batons, truncheons, baseball bats, and tire irons. And we’re looking into golf clubs for 2016. What we get next will depend on a variety of factors, including student feedback, death toll, and long-term considerations about effects on campus life.”

The school will test the new social clubs with a trial run next semester. “Students interested in athletics will have their first meeting in the gym,” Coffey said. “Incidentally, we have scheduled students interested in Dungeons and Dragons for their first meeting in the gym at the exact same time! While they’re all together in the same room, we’ll hand out some bludgeons and baseball bats, and just let the kids bleed out all the bad blood.”

Many students have applauded the move, calling it a sensible option after the decision to ban fraternities. “Social clubs will be great for when we throw parties in our suite and Melvins start crowding in,” said Crossett resident Teddy Donaldson ’17, twirling a 6-foot long club with thick, metal spikes on each side. “This is a honest attempt to resolve the crisis of student rights we’ve experienced over the past year or so. Plus, the design has the sleek Amherst ‘A’ on it, which matches my sweater!”

Still, some students have voiced opposition to the idea. “I just feel like this puts more power in the hands of the powerful on campus,” said Karla Samson ’15. “I mean, the cool kids on campus already exclude people. I don’t see why they’ll distribute heavy wooden clubs with sharp spikes on all sides, designed to bludgeon people into a bloody pulp, which will only further the sense of alienation on this campus.”

“Especially when we have the Powerhouse,” she added.