BREAKING: Sophomore Who Knows What Professor Is Talking About Gesticulates Wildly, Suffers Mild Stroke


CONVERSE 108, Amherst, MA — While thrashing her limbs feverishly to the point of convulsion to indicate that she knew what Professor Hadley Arkes was talking about, sophomore Alyssa Johnstone’ 17 suffered a mild stroke during her Political Obligations class last Thursday, sources confirmed.

The attack was allegedly triggered when Professor Hadley Arkes asked whether anyone had read Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics.

“Johnstone raised her hand as always, but Arkes clearly was just gonna keep lecturing ,” said David Basso ’17. Johnstone then “did that annoying thing where you sort of say ‘umm-hum,’ while your hand is up really high so everyone notices” Basso added.

As Arkes summarized some of Aristotle’s arguments, Johnstone started to wave her extremities as though she was undergoing an exorcism, turning red in the face and sweating like an animal.

At press time, a representative for the Johnstone family released the following statement: “Alyssa is recovering well from her stroke last week. She thanks everyone for their kindness and compassion, and reminds everyone that she has read the Nicomachean Ethics several times and has serious opinions on the matter.”