HITCHCOCK DORMITORY, Amherst, MA – Two students are dead, and three more are in critical condition after, in what has been called a “tragic misunderstanding,” one senior invited a live cougar to last night’s cougar formal.
The annual event typically involves senior girls inviting a freshman boy to a formal dance. Things took a turn for the worse, however, when Amy Edmonson ’15—a frequent volunteer at the nearby large cat sanctuary—brought in a cougar, variously known as a “puma” or “mountain lion.”
“He was so well behaved at Panda, but…well, you know how we all get after one too many scorpion bowls,” Edmonson related to press shortly after the incident. “A little touchy-feely,” she added, while making smooching noises.
Other formal-goers were surprisingly understanding about the casualties.
“Honestly, we all have bad days. I think the cougar was just a little intimidated by all the upperclass girls,” noted fellow senior Crystal Koh ’15. “Plus, she dressed him up in a nice bowtie and taught him some dance movies. Here, I’ll show you the snaps.”
Senior girls were mostly upset to hear that the cougar, since incapacitated by animal control, was actually a female who, in cat years, was roughly twice Amy’s age.
“Major buzzkill hearing that,” said Miranda Bostaph ’15. “It’s like, ok, stopping the party [by causing the deaths of two people] is one thing, but disrespecting the tradition? You’re supposed to bring a guy who’s younger than you. Not a girl who’s twice your age. C’mon now. Cindy and Jen didn’t die for this.”
“I thought [the cougar] was growling because he was a little hungry,” Edmonson ’15 said. “Actually, on second thought, I guess he really was,” she chuckled.