VALENTINE DINING HALL, Amherst, MA — In it’s efforts to increase student satisfaction with Valentine, Dining Services has announced two new options that will be available this week: the acclaimed bacon avocado sandwich, and cyanide, the poison most able to snuff out a human life.
In a brief press conference, Dining Services said they hoped that the Amherst student’s discerning taste buds will appreciate the crisp, flavorful bacon’s interaction with fresh-picked avocados—inspected for quality by dining services staff—just as much as they appreciate the cyanide, located adjacent to the balsamic vinaigrette, and its almost instant lethality.
The earliest students in line for the offerings reported great satisfaction with the rich, savory taste of the bacon avocado sandwich, while the final smiles of the cyanide-testers betrayed an infinitely simpler happiness at having finally shuffled off this mortal coil.
“We want to increase your options here at Valentine Dining Hall, especially since there aren’t many others on campus,” continued Charles G. Thompson, director of Dining Services, with a chuckle. “So we’ve decided to offer a sandwich with locally sourced bacon and avocados, lettuce from our very own Book and Plow, and all on a freshly baked bun; in addition to what could be considered the most radical freedom, the ultimate choice: the ability to deny being subject to the constant coercion of your own animal instincts of self-preservation.”
“Oh, the sweetness of the abyss! And bacon avocado!” he added.