ROBERT FROST LIBRARY, Amherst, MA — Emotions reached a fever pitch at Frost Café Tuesday afternoon, following word that the campus coffee shop’s espresso machine was going on its third consecutive week of being broken.
In an impassioned press conference on Frost Balcony, sophomore and Frost Café regular Elizabeth Kirkpatrick ’17 relayed the toll the broken machine has taken on her and her peers:
“I honestly just can’t even,” lamented Kirkpatrick, joined in grieving at the podium by a coalition of fellow pearl-wearing sophomore girls. “I need my daily decaf soy latte to survive psych class. I literally couldn’t even bring myself to check my Instagram this morning, much less to post a funny #transformationtuesday of my friend Tiffany, who was kind of fat in middle school.”
Frost Café barista Tony Esposito has refused to speak to the press since the espresso crisis began, but sources close to Esposito have told the Muck-Rake that the Café boss and honorary degree recipient is “just trying to stay low and keep moving.”