Amherst Temporal Diversity Initiative a “Rousing Success”

time
Amherst, MA – Amherst administrators have been touting the school’s unprecedented efforts to increase the college’s chrono-diversity, which brings students and faculty arriving from times as familiar as the roaring 20’s to those as distant as the Machine Wars of the 2270’s, as an enormous success.

“Here at Amherst we value learning about different points of view,” said Dean of Admissions Katie Fretwell.

She believes that the benefits of an Amherst education should not be limited only to those lucky enough to have been born while Amherst existed, and that “someone who was the captain of their high school lacrosse team can learn from someone who had to defend their village from roving Marauders during the fall of the Zhou dynasty.”

“And vice-versa,” she added with a smile.

“Since Amherst’s founding in 1821, all students were born within twenty years of their admission, thus precluding the crucial perspectives of those who have seen C-beams glitter near the shoulder of Orion, or when man first controlled flame,” said Mick Mackey ’15. He fully supports the initiative, saying that it finally breaks the cycle of the “unbearable presentness” of Amherst College.

“Plus, those ancient Romans knew how to party.”

There are some who disagree with the new policy, like Fred Wilkers ’18:

“My roommate keeps smoking fish and game in the room, and leaving offerings to his Sun-god Oktar,” he said while trying to avoid the firepit in the center of his room. “This was not agreed upon in the roommate contract.”

While campus dialogue continues about the policy, Amherst is committed to its mission of “molding leaders from the future and the past.” Their next goal is to establish dimensional diversity, and they are looking for ways to help beings from alternate planes of existence adjust to undergraduate life without disrupting the social structure or the space-time continuum.

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