Students Panic after Conversations about Summer Exhausted

students looking into devices at school

VALENTINE DINING HALL, Amherst, MA — As the second week of September came to a close, students across Valentine Dining Hall sat in stunned silence as the last of everyone’s summer plans were finally revealed Monday afternoon.

“…and so yeah, that was my summer,” revealed Samantha Trillin ’17, officially concluding all discussion of summer plans and leaving casual acquaintances with absolutely nothing to talk about until after winter break.

After 15 minutes of silence, Andrew Jenkins ’16 excused himself from the table, muttering, “Shit—I know this girl’s classes and how much she made at Goldman this summer. …now what?”

For most Amherst College students, their summer jobs, those jobs’ locales, and whether they got to “spend any time at home?” provided a welcome reprieve from substantial conversation. With all those topics exhausted, students—and even faculty and staff—have found themselves at a loss for words.

Math professor Tina Reyes said she has spent the past two classes standing at the front of the room in silence.

“Once I found out everyone’s name, everything just awkwardly slowed down. Maybe I can ask them what classes they’re taking next semester?”

At press time, Professor Reyes was continuously opening and closing her mouth in what resembled speech, though no sounds were coming out.