Obama Orders Airstrikes on Amherst College Following Reports of “Power Vacuum”

President Barack Obama

THE WHITE HOUSE, Washington, D.C. – In a Wednesday address to the nation, President Barack Obama outlined his plan for preventing the rise of extremist groups at Amherst College, endorsing a strategic airstrike campaign at the liberal arts college U.S. News and World Report recently ranked as the second best in the nation.

“As Commander-in-Chief, my highest priority is the security of Amherst College students and staff,” the President remarked, before adding that, “[combatting extremists] is a core principle of my presidency: if you threaten Amherst College, you will find no safe haven.”

The President’s pledge comes in light of former CIA Deputy Director and current Brookings Institution Senior Fellow John McLaughlin’s Sunday interview on Meet the Press, in which he warned that the AAS Judiciary Council’s decision to overturn its overturning of its decision to overturn the results of last spring’s AAS presidential election created a “power vacuum” that could allow extremist groups to seize the now-vacant role of AAS President:

“The JC comes in and says, ‘Look, we have to scrap the election. Ahmed’s got posters.’ And that becomes the party line. ‘Ahmed’s got posters, Ahmed’s got posters.’ You see it every time you turn around, every time you check your email. But the thing is, there’s never any evidence to support that claim. None at all.

“The emails about the situation start getting longer, more convoluted, and more frequent, so the new party line becomes ‘the surge [in emails] is working.’  So that’s all well and good, but what they don’t say is what they’re going to do after the result of that election is nullified.

“The JC gets its way and nullifies the election, so the question becomes, what happens next? Does it set up an emergency election before the semester ends? Does it just appoint Crane president? None of the above. They book their flights home for the summer, wipe their hands with it all, and say, ‘it’s your problem now.’

“So that’s where we are now. Ahmed and Crane aren’t running again, and what we’re left with is this huge vacuum in leadership. Naturally, the people or groups vying to fill that void are going to be extremists—people whose entire interest in campus politics stems from their contempt for the last six months of campus politics. Expect people to parlay the turmoil into a promise of ‘reworking the system,’ promising to ‘work for you,’ and praising the progress the College has made over the last three years before helpfully reminding the student body that there is ‘still work to be done.’ Expect people to run on platforms entirely based on ‘fixing’ campus dining—promising to establish a sort of ‘Valiphate.’

“We’ve seen this story unfold time and time again. These extremists come in and make all the promises in the world, pad their resumes, and leave nothing but wreckage behind. This nation and this President cannot stand idly by and watch it happen again.”