Incoming Class of 2018 Excited to Spend Four Years Complaining About Amherst


AMHERST, Ma. – Calling it a “problematic environment” that is “probably super boring,” students in the Amherst College graduating class of 2018 have begun anticipating begrudgingly serving their four-year sentences at the prestigious hellhole.

Class member Mark Williams, an Atlanta native and prospective Economics major whose Twitter bio reads “Poet. Activist. Brother. Son. Friend. AC ’18.,” explained in an interview with his high school newspaper:

“I’m so blessed to have the opportunity to come in and start complaining right away at a college as hateable as Amherst. I’ve spent the past three years reading up about the place—HuffPo, Jezebel, AC Voice, all of it—and I feel ready to give it my all. Just the other day I took a look at the First-Year Orientation schedule and thought, ‘Hey, I don’t want to do some of that stuff.’ That was when I knew I’d made the right choice.”

He added, “I still remember getting the brochure in the mail about a year ago and thinking, ‘Man, I bet the grass doesn’t even look that good.’ This is a dream come true.”

In her supplemental admission essay, since shared as a note on her Facebook page, class member and prospective Economics major Regina McIntyre (Scarsdale, NY) declared that she is looking forward to complaining about the quality of available food options at the school notorious for its prison food and promotion of patriarchal power structures:

“I have heard that the food at Valentine Hall is really unhealthy and also deleterious. At my high school, I started the Institute for Sustainable International Seeding, which held three extremely successful combination carwash-farmers’ markets to promote healthy food diversity in the Tri-State area; I hope I can call attention to the importance of locally-sourced foods in the Pioneer Valley Area, in the same way that I introduced kale to the suburbs of New York City; I know that the Five College Coalition exists to bring students from Amherst, UMass, Hampshire, Smith, and Sarah Lawrence Colleges together in meaningful ways, and I hope that the Coalition, in concert with my passion for healthy and affordable foods, can spark a movement in the Pioneer Valley Area to have better food policy; it may sound crazy but in my dreams, Amherst College students forego Wall Street Investment Banking Internships for organic farm jobs!”

Brandon Baldwin, a recruited linebacker and prospective major in Economics from Just Outside of Boston, MA, said in a Facebook status addressed to “Friends, family, and future classmates,” that he is most excited to jealously stare at Instagram photos posted by his friends at large state schools while regretting every decision he has ever made, adding:

“When I visited Amherst, I could not have heard more discouraging things about the social scene. I’m really looking forward to buying into everything students told me about how bad the party scene is before I applied, and to doing everything in my power to make it even worse. It’s a great time to be a Jeff.”