Dean of Students Office Announces Fraternity Refugee Draft

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AMHERST, Ma. – Immediately following the release of the Board of Trustees’ decision to ban student membership in on- and off-campus “fraternities and sororities and fraternity-like and sorority-like organizations,” the Dean of Students Office and the Association of Amherst Students announced a Fraternity Refugee Draft, to be held in the Hitchcock ballroom from May 9-11. The draft, which seeks to redistribute first-year, sophomore, and junior fraternity members from their now-illegal groups of friends into different campus social groups, is believed to be the first event of its kind.

In her Tuesday evening announcement of the draft, Chief Student Affairs Officer Suzanne Coffey granted the number one overall pick to the Amherst College Fencing Club, for being what she called a “perennial social scene underperformer.” The Chinese Students Association, the Zumbyes, Humphries House, the women’s squash team, and the Amherst Muck-Rake round out the top six picks.

Fifteen of the most promising and newly friendless prospects at the College are expected to be in attendance for Friday night’s opening ceremony and first round, including highly-touted DKE president-elect and projected first overall pick Luke Sanders ’15. Sanders, a junior Religion major who took the Amherst College party scene by storm this March with his successful campaign to “bring back” Swedish DJ and producer Avicii’s 2011 smash hit “Levels,” officially announced his decision to enter the draft via Facebook on Wednesday morning:

“I’m going to miss my friends, the brotherhood, and the bonds we’ve built together over the past three years, but I know that leaving them behind and entering this draft is what’s best for me and my family.”

In an interview with Boston-area sports talk radio station WEEI (93.7FM), president, treasurer, and acting social chair of the fencing club Olivia Wu ’15 made no secret of her team’s intention to officially befriend the dynamic junior from Scarsdale, NY with its first selection:

“Prospects with friendship potential like Luke’s come around maybe once in a generation. We want to make it clear that we are no longer in rebuilding mode. Our team and our fans have waited long enough for us to make our entrance into the campus mainstream, and we believe he has what it takes to get us there on day one.”

Tickets to all three days of the draft are free for Amherst College students and $10 for Five College students with a valid student ID. The event will also be streamed live online via JeffCast.