AMHERST, Ma. – Through enormous crocodile tears, Lewis P. O’Leary ’16 read to the bottom of Blaine Patrick Werner’s AAS election platform, exclaiming, “There is hope yet!” upon reaching the section about “improving the Val experience.”
“I’ve read a lot of Facebook pages about AAS candidates’ platforms,” explained O’Leary, “but nothing has touched the depths of my soul like Blaine’s comments about how much he wants to make the AAS work for me.”
“The next thing I did was call my mother,” said O’Leary, dry-eyed from an evening of epiphantic sobbing. “I’m going to memorize the whole page. I just feel like I need to make it mine.”
At press time, O’Leary’s Facebook status, “Vote for Blaine Patrick Werner for AAS Senate!!!!”, had garnered four likes.