AMHERST, Ma. – In the latest scandal to upset an E-board election, an anonymous tip to the Judiciary Council (JC) has led senators to believe that all four candidates for AAS President and Vice President have vastly exceeded the amount of time one should really spend on such things.
“We put a time cap on election preparation as a matter of fairness,” said acting JC Chair Joseph Kim ’14, “and also because who gives a shit, right? This is college. There are better things to do: party, socialize, have sex—I mean, have you tried sex? There’s a reason we have these rules in place.”
“Going back to their respective freshman years,” added Liya Rechtman ’14, “we found several candidates had spent far too much time laying the groundwork to secure these ultimately pointless positions, making connections and political moves just to set up their election bids. It’s truly disgusting to anyone with morals or a life.”
The JC report also admonished candidates for caring way too much, and recommended that everyone just chill out a bit, check out Extravaganja, crack open a cool, refreshing Miller Genuine Draft, and kick back for once in their goddamn lives.