THE BACK ROOM OF VAL, Amherst, Ma. – Amani Ahmed ’15, candidate for AAS President, was reportedly “hanging out” in the back room of Valentine Dining Hall yesterday when varsity athlete Stephen Hardy ’17, a major donor to her campaign, went off on a now-controversial rant that has gone viral after being caught on video tape. The “fucking Melvins” video, as it is now known, has threatened Ahmed’s ability to maintain her voting base and left many wondering whether she will recover before polls close tonight.
Hardy, an Amherst baseball player and alleged Amherst student, railed against “NARPS, nerds, GDIs, Biddy Martin, Barista Tony, Egg McCharlies,” and several other subjects that Front-Roomers, a key demographic for Ahmed, hold dear. “It’s not ‘Terras Irradient,‘ it’s ‘Tear ass and make your lift,'” shouted Hardy at the conclusion of his rant, “Seriously, fuck these fucking Melvins. I hate this place. Hardy, out.” The Muck-Rake regrets that the rest of the tirade is not appropriate for our family friendly audience.
Stephen Yee ’15, spokesman for the Crane campaign, explained why Ahmed’s association with Hardy and undesirables like him is devastating for her campaign: “Amani was back there [in the back room] for four consecutive hours yesterday. Does she go to class? I don’t know. What was she doing back there? I don’t know. I usually just get my drinks and then speed walk out of there. Those people terrify me. But clearly they don’t scare Ms. Ahmed, and that makes me question her loyalty to the real students at this College.”
Ahmed’s connections to “the back room” allegedly extend back at least two years, with accounts of conversations between the candidate and fraternity members, varsity athletes, and other campus undesirables cropping up as early as her first-year orientation. Her persistent presence in “the back room” has led some to question whether Ahmed herself is in an all-male underground fraternity.
“Concerns about Amani being in a frat are totally unsubstantiated and laughable,” said Jeremiah Wright ’16, an Ahmed for President campaign staffer. “She doesn’t drink. She’s never had a sip of [cool, refreshing Miller Genuine Draft] in her life. And she cares too much about this community to hide anything from it. She was outraged and saddened by Mr. Hardy’s words and has since cut all ties from that particular table.”