(deputymetroeditor)– At 9:56pm on Thursday, February 20, I emailed Provost Peter Uvin a list of questions in hopes that his answers would help me write an article for an unfunded, highly controversial online student publication.
At 11:35pm, I received an email back. What was Uvin doing in the meantime?
Rather than jump to the obvious conclusion on my own, I decided to send the following email to several Amherst College administrators, including President Martin, the next afternoon:
Last night, I emailed Peter Uvin a list of questions related to a piece I am writing for a student publication. It took him nearly two hours to respond. I was hoping you could inform me as to whether or not he masturbated during that time period.
At the time of this writing, not one has responded. Why? Are they protecting the Provost?
Are they all masturbating at this very moment?
It’s quite possible. A 1993 study of the masturbatory habits of adult-aged Americans concluded “most… Americans over the age of 30… have… [masturbated].” Though their actions and decisions frequently suggest otherwise, the administrators of the College are indeed American adults. [ed. note: Peter Uvin is of unknown national/planetary origin]. Therefore, it is very likely that one or more College administrators is masturbating as you read this.
Neither are student leaders immune from this plague upon our institution. AAS President George Tepe ’14, whose association with masturbation was hotly debated during his campaign, also refused to comment on the matter at hand.
If you’re anything like me, the thought of all this is repulsive: leaders in our community, masturbating without approval of the student body while the College burns to the ground. There can be no justice while serial masturbators are allowed to run this institution and dominate the narrative; there can be no peace of mind while our emails remain unanswered.