Other Candidates for Dean of Students Included Dolores Umbridge, Severus Snape

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AMHERST, Ma. – After James Larimore became the fourth Dean of Students to leave Amherst College in as many years, President Caroline “Biddy” Martin considered offering the position to such candidates as Chemistry Professor Severus Snape and Interim Dean of Student Conduct Dolores Umbridge, according to sources inside the administration.

“Honestly, people are starting to think the position is cursed,” said Head Librarian Irma Pince. “And after what happened to Dean Boykin-East in the Forbidden Forest, I can’t say I blame them.”

Some students were shocked by the appointment of Suzanne Coffey, whom many considered under-qualified for her previous position as Title IX Coordinator. “I mean, I know she wrote Wanderings with Werewolves and Gadding with Ghouls, but she also wrote that atrocious op-ed for The Student last year,” recalled Lee Jordan ’14.

Other students were more sympathetic to President Martin’s position. “I guess they were getting kind of desperate,” suggested Colin Creevey ’15. “There’s not a lot of people who want that job these days.”

As of press time, Dean Coffey was last spotted in the gym parking lot handing out signed portraits of herself to students.