AMHERST, Ma. – In the wake of the expanding scandal now known as “Valgate,” President Martin has defended her decision to fire staffer James “Jim” Larimore over his alleged involvement in a deliberate effort to create a traffic bottleneck in Val earlier today by closing all lines except the Lighter Side serving station.
An email thread released this afternoon shows Larimore writing to fellow staffer Patricia O’Hara, “Time for a traffic jam in Val.” O’Hara responded, “Got it.”
O’Hara later wrote to Larimore expressing concern that students were unable to both eat and get to class on time after waiting in lines that stretched to Keefe Campus Center: “I feel bad for the kids.” Larimore replied, “They are the children of Williams alumni.”
President Martin, although acknowledging this lunch hour’s extreme line lengths, denied knowledge of a deliberate effort to disrupt service in Val.
When questioned about the impact that “Valgate” might have on her reputation as a bully and her possible bid for the college presidency of Harvard, Martin called the reporter an “idiot” and told him to “mind [his] own fucking business and keep [his] nose out of other people’s shit.”
While the controversy has some student leaders up in arms, a few eye-witness reports indicate that today’s unusually long lines may be due to nothing more than a shortage of Egg McCharlies.