Frost Closing Announcements Growing Increasingly Crazed

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FROST LIBRARY, Amherst, Ma. – Announcements given over the Frost PA system to remind students of the library’s closing time have, of late, begun containing stranger and more cryptic warnings. Students noted one recent closing announcement that urged anyone leaving to “take all your belongings with you and don’t look behind you as you go, no matter what you might think you hear,” while another is said to have warned that “students are advised not to attempt to enter D level.”

As of last night, reports indicate that the eerie voice that issues closing reminders had altogether abandoned its monotone English pronouncements, instead allowing the speaker to emit a prolonged hiss of microphonic feedback before uttering, “Bl’haggor el sothogl p’thaggosh ni hthawaenoor yill’krafoth tllac’cal thareem uggol,” a phrase that students say would have been impossible to remember had they not been hearing it constantly in their dreams and in between all their waking thoughts.

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