AMHERST, Ma — Following yet another controversy during her time as President of Amherst College, Caroline “Biddy” Martin offered her apologies fo nearly everything.
“I’m really, really sorry. Whatever’s happened is truly unacceptable,” she wrote in a schoolwide e-mail circulated to the press early this morning.
“I’m sorry you’re hurt, for whatever it was that was done wherever and whenever,” the e-mail, timestamped 2:43 A.M. EST, continued. “Imagine how I fucking feel. I can’t keep up. You know how many fucking times I’ve had to apologize for Res-Life? For Student Life???”
The e-mail devolved into Martin rapidly depleting reserves of sympathy. “So I’m super sorry about all this god damn mess, forever and always. I’m sorry for every inconvenience, insult, or abuse you have or (surely) will soon experience during your time at this college, before or after. I just can’t handle this anymore.”
“For Christ’s sake, I’m even sorry that your shitty goldfish died,” the message concluded.
At press time, President Martin was reportedly playing “the worid’s smallest violin for-motherfucking-ever.”