AMHERST, Ma — Deep in the recesses of Converse Hall lies the epicenter of Amherst’s communication network: where 17 purebred hamsters power all Internet activity by rapidly running on a wheel.
The hamsters have been employed by the college on terms of water & food pellets for generations now, but all signs point to the end of this happy bargain between the College and hamster representatives.
Speaking with Buttercup, the eighth generation in his family of Dwarf Winter White Russian hamsters to work for the school, he seemed upset about the hours demanded of the small animals. When asked about recent complaints from the student body about web speeds, Buttercup scrunched his nose and looked away.
Efforts by IT staff have been ineffective at encouraging the hamsters to work the longer hours and faster speeds necessary to maintain a robust network for all students, from those streaming videos to those posting to Moodle.
“We should get more hamsters” reported Amy Basser ’16. “This seems really, really easy, and also not that hard.”
“We just raised $500 million,” she added. “Shouldn’t we at least have the hamster capacity of most other colleges—even during peak hours?”
Hamster maintenance chief John Manly was adamant that such easy solutions were impossible, citing the cost of training the hamsters and the high risk of the hamsters eating their recently-trained young.
“We’re looking into guinea pigs as a possible solution, or attaching our web power to the crew team’s ‘ergs.’ Both have proven inconsistent” Manly explained to press.