Socials Begin Final Walk of Shame

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AMHERST, Ma – Early this morning, social dormitories Coolidge, Crossett, Pond, and Stone began a hasty exit after a prolonged awkward silence with the administration. Although last night was “fun,” reported Biddy Martin, supine and smoking a cigarette, her former hook-ups have allegedly reached “the end of their useful lives.”

The four dormitories were last seen—wearing the same clothes they had been since the 1970s—sitting at the PVTA bus stop outside Converse Hall, officially ending their 14,600-night stand.

“God it’s so fucking bright,” remarked an extremely hungover Crossett. Coolidge, Pond, and Stone could not be reached for comment.