WASHINGTON, D.C. – In an emergency press briefing, US President Barack Obama issued a stern warning, declaring that he would not tolerate the use of chemical warfare—including, but not limited to the use of Yellow No. 5, Blue No. 1, or Red No. 40—in GlobeMed’s escalating Color Wars.
“Let me be clear,” Obama instructed the press, “This advertised use of chemicals changes the calculus. The United States, as a world leader, cannot tolerate this kind of warfare on our own soil. We are closely monitoring the situation.”
“We will not—I repeat—will not hesitate to use force to control this situation,” Obama added. “Drones are on standby.”
GlobeMed insists that any use of chemicals is a matter of internal affairs—not a war crime. Spokespeople for the regime also mentioned that “the event will have Sugar Jones cookies, as well as pizza.”