AMHERST, Ma. – Wrapping up what President Biddy Martin called a “campaign aimed at ensuring socioeconomic, racial, ethnic, and occult diversity” in Amherst’s unrecognized, yet fundamentally important fraternal organizations, the “You Did It!” planetary alignment and Fall Equinox fundraiser celebration will take place this weekend to consecrate the reincarnation of Psi Upsilon.
A $500 million campaign started in 2008, the fundraiser to help bring back a fraternity abolished for “serious violations” including hazing and witchcraft will be center stage on campus this weekend. Programs include a masked ritual sacrifice of a lamb, several distinguished speakers on a diverse range of occult practices, and a telescope viewing of the Harvest Moon.
“The planets have aligned and the Omens have been masterfully arranged around campus. It’s finally back, and we’re excited to be back,” Leonard “Brother” Northservant ’15 said with regards to the fraternity’s new beginning. “With this hooded cult meeting our vision of Psi Upsilon can really take off.”
Added Northservant, “And it’s really great too that we can finally ring in the vernal season with a celebration as a community. Where else can you really enjoy cider donut with an esteemed alumnus whilst watching human blood shed and rightfully consumed?”
Amherst Computer Science Professor Scott Kaplan, a Psi U alumnus and current chaplain to the fraternal organization predicated on devouring live human flesh, is spearheading the rituals this coming weekend.
“Professor Kaplan has what it takes to lead such a motivated group” Martin said. “His knowledge of ancient Yachi ceremonies and his skill with a knife will really help him to succeed at such an undertaking. Plus, he’s really adamant about setting the clocks back an hour when Daylight Savings Time comes in a few weeks. Saturday will be one of only two days during the calendar year where the amount of daylight equals the amount of nighttime.”
Concluded Martin, “Kaplan, as well as Psi Upsilon, has the College’s full backing. Who doesn’t love the diversity offered by a little dark magic these days?”
The rituals are set to begin today at 4 PM with a private initiation for new members in Leland Dormitory, followed by a massive, public ritual in Valentine Quad. Light refreshments and human flesh will be served.