Sexual Assault Down 100% Last Quarter

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AMHERST, Ma. – According to a report commissioned by the newly created Title IX Committee, 100% fewer sexual assaults were committed at Amherst College last quarter than in the previous three combined. Commenting on the findings, Interim Assistant Dean Mitton Shannon was cautious yet optimistic: “Let me tell you a story. You have three frogs sitting on a log, and two of them jump into the pond. Why doesn’t the third? And this just goes to show that sexual assault is a many-faceted thing and no two cases are alike. But when you look at the hard numbers for this year, what you see is a tremendous reduction in reported incidents over the months of June, July, and August.”

Calling the report’s conclusions “surprising yet exciting,” Mitton Shannon noted that the summer months, when no classes are held and students are not on campus, “present unique opportunities” for the future. “When we look at the data, we see that not only sexual assault, but also dorm damage, ACEMS calls, and even wait times in Valentine all dropped off precipitously around mid-May. The hard stance the College has taken is paying off—that much is clear.”

Although her office “hopes and expects” the recent trend will continue into the fall semester and beyond, Mitton Shannon made clear that she wants to keep an “open mind” as the situation develops: “It’s not about why the facts are this way or what causes it. We don’t blame the victim. What we do is accept the facts of the matter and respond accordingly. And in this case, that might mean offering summer classes as a safer alternative. It might mean scaling back on traditional fall and spring offerings. It might mean renaming every month ‘July’ to promote inclusion. We won’t know what works until we try everything we can think of and more.”