AMHERST, Ma. – The Amherst College Office of Residential Life unveiled an amazing, groundbreaking weight-loss solution by Andrew Schneider ’09 that has scientists around the nation fuming!
The incredible dietary supplement, Cellublock, is the proven, all-natural way to shed those flabby pounds — and build muscle!* With Cellublock, Amherst students will look better than ever, and have that tight, sexy bod for summer!
The Office of Residential Life urges all students to purchase Cellublock.
“We could not be more delighted to tell Amherst students about this exciting new breakthrough,” said Dean of Residential Life Torin Moore. “As unbiased observers with a professional and ethical responsibility to represent the interests of our institution and its students, and, logically, nobody else, we are determined to spread the word about this one weird trick that’s taking America by storm.”
The acai-berry pill is distributed privately by Schneider, an Amherst alumnus with no personal relationship with Moore or any member of the Residential Life staff. Moore proudly assured reporters that the decision to promote the alternative supplement was in no way an inappropriate act of nepotism or the product of a quid pro quo.
“We would never abuse our communications authority — and students’ trust — like that,” said Moore. “Especially since freshmen might not realize that Cellublock is not an official Amherst product and that its acquisition is in no way imperative.”
Said Moore, “We just want students to run, not walk, to the nearest quality health retailer to purchase their packets of Cellublock today!”
Moore is reportedly also excited to announce “Breathless,” a stunning, ultra-thin condom revolution by Keisha Phillips-Johnson ’98 that will “shock you with pleasure like never before.”
*Claims not verified by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.