AMHERST, Ma. – U.S. Special Forces operatives intervened Wednesday to rescue students detained in an Amherst College a cappella concert that was entering its third hour.
“Move, move, move, move, move!” yelled a Bravo Team squad leader as Marines stormed Amherst’s Johnson Chapel and ended the ordeal.
Over 170 hostages were freed when the elite tactical team neutralized members of the known a cappella group, ending a nightmarish performance that left hostages numbed and a nation on edge.
“I just wanted to get out of there,” said one beleaguered student, who reported that she had to use the ladies’ room about an hour into the event but was blocked from exiting her pew by a video camera in the aisle. The tearful student asked national media to help her locate “Terrence,” a Marine whom the woman said walked her to the bathroom, so she could personally thank him.
Media outlets dubbed the crisis “A Ca-hell-a.”
In Washington, President Obama said he would not hesitate to use force to free Americans from a similar situation again.
“These groups do not know reason,” the president said, observing that participants appear to enjoy their awkward beat-boxing renditions and devote most of their skits to obscure inside jokes. ”They will not be negotiated with.”
At press time, members of the hostage unit were reportedly en route to the Buckley Recital Hall, where an Amherst junior was suffering the second hour of his girlfriend’s performance in the college’s production of Mahler’s fifth symphony.