Rooms Reserved for Opt-Out to Actually Be Inhabited by Biddy Martin’s Dog

Military Working Dogs

AMHERST, Ma. – Amherst College Residential Life officials announced Monday that a suite in the Stone dormitory previously blocked for the college’s room-draw opt-out list had been reserved for President Carolyn “Biddy” Martin’s dog.

“It’s my fucking dog and I can do what I want,” said Martin in response to press inquiries.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, several Amherst officials expressed concern that housing the dog, Oscar, in the popular residence hall could pose health risks to other residents and harm the animal itself.  ”It’s gonna die,” said one administrator.

Martin said college facilities, health, and residence staffers could remove the dog if they wanted to be fired.

Martin also responded to student objections that the move would reduce coveted residential space.  ”Why aren’t you reading?” she asked students.  ”Fuck off!”

The relocation is the third major announcement this month regarding the dog, whom Martin has previously attempted to name campus mascot, seat on the college board of trustees, and install as replacement for Assistant Dean of Students Hannah Fatemi.